battle

One Another Ministry
Encouragement Story

HEARING GOD IN THE STORM - A CANCER TESTIMONY

“Come and listen, all you who fear God; Let me tell you what He has done for me. I cried out to him with
my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, The Lord would not have
listened; But God has surely listened; And heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, Who has not
rejected my prayer, Or withheld His love from me! (Psalm 66: 16-20)”.

You have no idea what a blessing it is for me to enter into my church on a Sunday morning and receive hugs from
my incredible church family. For I have been on a journey … a journey through a battle with breast cancer. I’ve
had 5 operations, six months of chemotherapy, two months of radiation and then a year of set backs and now
recovery. I began this journey into cancer strong and determined. I knew God was with me and with His help I
could conquer anything.

How did I have such strength? Such determination? Such faith? Well I need to back up—back to February 2002.
Me – I was busy with my life: a 50 year old, divorced woman, living on my own, working full time, teaching Sunday
school, helping with Youth Group and taking a Certificate in Ministry course through Carey Theological College.
One course in particular - “Equipping the Whole People of God” really made me slow down and take notice. We
had a book report assignment to complete and I chose the book “Hearing God by Dallas Willard”. I had questions I
needed answering, like: How does God talk to people today? How can you tell the difference between listening to
God or to Satan? And what am I supposed to do when I think I hear God? I was aware that I had a desire to have
Jesus as a constant companion in my life and I wanted to develop a two-way conversational relationship with Him.
John states in chapter 10 verse 4 of his gospel “…his sheep follow Him because they know His voice.” I wanted to
know what His voice sounds like so I could follow Him.

Well here I was busy doing my studies and Easter was fast approaching. One of my joys in life is to help out in the
Church dramas – but I felt I was too busy this year and besides our director hadn’t even mentioned that there
would be an Easter play. But I had a problem, every time I came near our director I had this urge to say I wanted
to be in the drama. It got so bad I started avoiding her whenever I saw her.

Finally, after about 3 weeks I thought this was way too weird – and I prayed to God “ Am I hearing you? …do you
want me to be in the play (even though there isn’t one)?” I heard nothing back – no burning bush, no thunderous
voice from the clouds – so, I said to God, if you want me to do the play – I will, but someone else has to ask me.
That very week I got a phone call. I was informed that others had been asked to do a drama but unforeseen
circumstances had prevented them from doing so – she knew it was late but she was wondering if I would do a
monologue for Easter.   This was the question I had been waiting for. Immediately I said ‘yes’ and told a shocked
friend that she had been an answer to prayer. I hung up the phone and I was dumbfounded – God had taken time
out from His busy schedule to hear and answer my simple prayer – Not really the answer I had wanted to hear –
but He had answered. I was in awe. What Dallas Willard wrote was true – God does talk to us, and it’s up to us to
listen.
While practicing that monologue, I went through some incredible emotions. The drama was the passion story from
Mary’s point of view. I was to be Mary, the mother of Jesus, at a very difficult time in her life. There was one scene
in particular. Mary was to look up at the cross as her son was dying. Being the mom of a 29 year old son, the
emotions flooded in. I wept uncontrollably. How did Mary feel, looking into the eyes of her son as he was held there
in agony nailed to a cross and left to die. In the drama, Mary was to finally recognize that Jesus was no longer her
Son but that He was the sacrificial Lamb of God, doing what He was born to do – to suffer and die on the cross for
her sins, for the sins of all the world. It was God’s plan, it was meant to be.

I kept hearing the words “you are the Lamb of God” over and over in my head. I thought that yes Jesus was the
Lamb of God. The thought came back, no, YOU are the Lamb of God. I was puzzled, just too emotional. I asked a
couple close friends what they thought these words meant. Was I hearing God?   One suggested that either I
would join Jesus in His suffering or He would join me in mine. Then they added “Would you be willing to surrender
your life as Jesus did? I remember walking away not understanding, thinking how mysterious God was for I was not
suffering, life was finally good to me.

It was only a month later that I found a lump below my breast. I made an appointment with my doctor all the while
thinking that this was no big deal – it would go away. Then the tests began – mammogram, ultrasound – no sign of
cancer. I however was starting to worry – Where are you Lord? What’s going on? Please let me hear you.

I remember waking in the middle of the night – I was very alert, wide awake, and this was very unusual for me. I
thought I would get up and read my bible for awhile – maybe that would make me tired and I could fall asleep. I did
the old ‘open the book and point my finger’ routine to see where God wanted me to read. Well I opened it to Psalm
124. Being the obedient person I always have been I said that is silly, and started reading Psalm 122…then
123…then finally I began reading Psalm 124.

It was as if the words jumped off the page at me – it was about David who had just finished fighting a battle with the
Philistines and how he had trusted in the Lord to help him with the battle. But as I read it, it was not David fighting
the battle – but me fighting cancer.

(Psalm 66 as I heard it that night so long ago now)
Come and listen, all you who fear God;
Let me tell you what He has done for me.
If the LORD had not been on my side,
When cancer attacked me,
When its anger flared against me,
It would have swallowed me alive,
The flood would have engulfed me,
The torrent would have swept me away.
PRAISE BE TO THE LORD,
Who has not let me be torn by its teeth,
I have escaped like a bird, Out of a fowler’s snare,
The snare has been broken, And I have escaped.
My help is in the name of the LORD
The maker of heaven and earth.

I began crying – no weeping. Why me? Things were just starting to be OK in my life. I was a strong independent
woman with a good career, great friends, close family… and now cancer. No it wasn’t possible! Thoughts of pain
and death filled my mind. I read the Psalm again and again and each time I heard the same thing. I fought with
myself for hours that night. And then the thought came – How did Jesus get through His suffering?

I turned to the gospel of Matthew – I read of Jesus going into the Garden of Gethsemane to pray and I began to
pray. It wasn’t helping … I read “Take this cup away”…yes Lord take this cup away from me – Oh how I wanted it
gone. You can give me a miracle, can’t you. Reading through the tears…I turned to the next line “Not as I will but
as you will”. At that moment I knew that I had to come to the same conclusion as Jesus did…With my whole being I
said “Not my will but yours Lord”. Right there and then, I accepted that I had cancer, I accepted not only my
physical death but also my emotional death to self, …”Your will Lord.”

An incredible peace came over me that night, I felt a promise that I would not be alone, He would be on my side, I
only need trust in Him just as David had trusted in Him. I re-read the Psalm again and again. Almost trying to
convince myself that Jesus would be with me, I would trust in Him. Trust, Lord help me to trust.

The next week test results came in, the biopsy said I did NOT have cancer. BUT I HEARD GOD! HE TOLD ME I
HAD CANCER. It is so hard to figure You out Lord, am I hearing You or not. Now I should have been excited, happy
with this news that I didn’t have cancer, but I wasn’t. There was just a strange, quiet inner peace… I told only a few
these latest results.
The following week the surgeon operated and removed a golf ball size lump from below my rib cage. A week later
results from Penticton lab were inconclusive – not sure if it was cancer. They sent it onto the Kelowna lab – a
week later results – still unsure. All this time I was quiet and trusted God, He had a plan. Down to Vancouver lab –
another week and then the doctor told me – I was Her2 receptor positive level 3 – Yes, I had a rare form of
breast cancer.

Standing in that doctor’s parking lot – the tears began to flow again. Fear….incredible fear. What had he just said
Cancer Level 3 out of 4…What did that mean? I needed to go the oncologist to discuss treatment…Did I needed
more surgery?…what about chemotherapy? Was I dying? What about my job? My kids, how will they cope? I
needed to tell family? friends? Questions swirled in my head. Then in the midst of the turmoil, I had a wonderful
thought – I HAD HEARD GOD WEEKS AGO, before the Doctor’s knew… I stood there…I was in awe. I was
humbled. My emotions raced. I had a new urgency. I went straight home and re-read Psalm 124 – He promised
me! He promised me I would not be alone. He promised me His strength would get me through. He promised me
He would be on my side. I was going to be alright. Just like I had read in my studies – GOD STILL TALKS TO
PEOPLE!

The chemo treatments weren’t nice. By Christmas I’d become very sick, very tired. I felt I couldn’t do it anymore.
In my pain, I had forgotten God. I realized I was fighting the battle in my own strength again. Jesus was alongside
me – true but it was MY determination, MY will power – My grit your teeth and get through it attitude. I was the lead
player in my pain. I…I…I…and I could go on no longer. I called out to God to take the pain away. I wanted a
miracle, a healing right there and then. It was then I heard the words I had heard before….during the Easter play
“You are the Lamb of God”. Then I remembered what I had been told: I would either join Jesus in His suffering or
He would join me in mine. “Was I willing to surrender my life as Jesus did?”

Once again I needed to let go, surrendered my will. Instead of running away from the pain, or standing up to it with
clenched teeth and fist, I embraced it, went into it, felt it. In the midst of this incredible pain I found Jesus in His
pain on the cross. In that moment I knew He felt my pain too, and then it was gone – in a split second the pain was
gone. The feeling that overcame me was incredible. I will never forget it. I wanted this feeling: emotional, physical,
and spiritual to stay forever. I just hung on and was carried away. Indescribable Joy! Indescribable Peace!
Indescribable Love!

I awoke the next morning refreshed and able to meet the day. I had changed, things had changed. I wasn’t as
nauseous anymore, I began to sleep better and my red blood count turned and started to do better. Once again I
could control my emotions. By my fourth session of chemo in January I had a renewed peace. I was finally learning
to trust God and most importantly I was learning to accept His love.
Let me tell you about the oncology room where I spent so many hours. It is a long narrow room in a corner of the
hospital. There are 6 chairs along the sides – it’s usually full, with lots of activity going on. Each chair has an IV
pole and you take turns being hooked up to your drugs. I sat and watched the nurse push the red poison into my
veins.   I had come to dread those hours in that chair. I knew if I sat in that chair I would be sick. My anxiety level
leading up to going grew so very high – until I realized that I was still doing things under my own strength again – I
had never invited Jesus to the oncology room. Before going in for the next session I prayed that He would wrap His
arms around me and not let me go. As I went to take my turn in that chair, I hesitated and even turned around – I
had this weird feeling that I might squish Him as I climbed up onto His lap. It was no longer my strength that took
the chemo – it was His. Once again, I had surrendered my will to the Father. Each time that I remembered Paul’s
words – not me but Him in me, the sickness became easier. By my last session my immune system was starting to
bounce back. The miracle I had been looking for way back in September had happened. The miracle wasn’t a
cure from Cancer; it was my new relationship with God. He was everywhere, even in the smallest details of my life.

I am reminded of a story I once heard about a group of tourists in Scotland. They were visiting an old castle that
was under renovations and they followed their tour guide through the updated section of this medieval fortress. As
they went along listening to the descriptions of the rooms, the furniture, the paintings, they came to a section that
was roped off – still under construction. One of the tourists, intrigued to see what was off limits, went down the
wide hallway and opened a large door. The smell of mold and mildew hit him immediately, he saw a large open
room with massive masonry pillars, with large chunks broken away and smashed on the floor. He imagined it must
have been a very impressive ballroom at one time.

Pieces of mirrored glass had fallen off the walls and lay broken strewn about everywhere. The roof, badly in need
of repairs had let the rain in causing the mildew and moss to grow on the torn tapestry that lay heaped around. As
the tourist looked in at this sight of destruction and disrepair, a beam of light happened to come through a broken
window pane – hitting one of the shards of mirrored glass on the floor. In an instant the light bounced off the
broken shard and hit other pieces at different angles, eventually, lighting up the room in its dazzling light. He
noticed the room became alive with particles of dust in the light, floating freely, dancing about in the sunlight.

This chemo year I felt like that broken chard of mirrored glass, mildewed and moss riddled, lying on the floor.
Never before had I been so sick, experienced such prolonged pain. Like the glass, the glue that usually held me
together, my own determination and will power didn’t work anymore, I became exhausted, tired and unable to carry
on. It wasn’t until I was totally broken, totally surrendered that I was able to call out to God and let Him take over.
He shone a beam of light into my brokenness that I want never to forget.

An incredible miracle happened. The light of His love for me grew – it shone off my brokenness and hit others. I
began to ask for prayers in my regular e-mails updates – friends, family, co-workers, listened to my requests. My
e-mails seem to take on a life of their own with people forwarding them on to others I didn’t even know. And the
prayers went up…up to His throne room and were heard.

I asked for prayers to lessen the nausea – it was taken away.   When I was so exhausted and weepy – prayers for
my red blood count to be restored were given and my count improved. When my immune system went way low
and chemo had to stop, prayers for my white blood count to revive were heard – even the doctor was amazed how
it jumped way up especially when normally it was to go lower. When I had trouble with my heart and they stopped
my chemo, it was the prayers that were heard and I was able to get back to chemo again. People from work,
church, far away and next door prayed. People that never prayed before began, people who never thought about
God, prayed. And the numbers grew with each answered prayer.

Incredibly, the love in those prayers bounced back at me – lighting up the brokenness of my world, and with each
ray of His light, I learned to let my attitude, my will become free and dance along with the dust in the beam of light
in the air – delighting in what God was doing in my live.

It is as though God is the orchestra leader in my life. He alone has the sheet music. He knows the beginning and
the end. He leads his orchestra to play the music of my life, in His timing as long as I will let Him. God surrounded
me with the most incredible musicians, playing the music of my life. God knew the need in my life and so many
responded to His call. Diane is having trouble cooking due to the nausea- make her some soup, bread, muffins.
Each one came in perfect timing for me. Diane needs encouragement – she’s having one of those WHY ME
LORD, pity parties, and those that heard God’s voice responded with phone calls, cards, gifts, visits and e-mails.
And again I say all in the orchestra leaders timing.

I received a card of encouragement on one of my down days, and it just meant so much to me – later I thanked
that person and she apologized that she had had the card for about 2 weeks before mailing it. There was no need
to apologize – it arrived in perfect timing – God’s timing exactly when I needed it the most.

They came and cleaned my house, drove me to doctors’ appointments, sat with during chemo treatments, even
shaved their heads so I wouldn’t be alone in my baldness. They visited me in my confinement and shared with me
news of the outside world. Their e-mails were incredible, always encouraging, always giving me hope. And
throughout it all, their constant prayers went forth in a harmony so clear that God rejoiced at its beauty. When
God asked them to play their instruments – they HEARD HIM and stepped forward and obeyed.

There is nothing I can say or do to thank all the musicians enough for their love and care during this battle. I know
in my heart that our Orchestra leader is pleased with the music we all played. When the time comes, Jesus will
reply to each one who listened and obeyed. “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for Diane – You did for me.
Come, take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world” (Matt.25:34).

Dallas Willard says God communicates with us the same way He did with people in the bible thousands of years
ago. I am learning to recognize His voice as He speaks to me.   I am learning also that if I do not pay attention or
even dismiss Him, that urge, or prompting continues, not arguing with me or trying to convince me, but continues in
a stead calm manner. Finally giving assent that I am actually hearing God, I agree to obey. Each time I obey, and
take a step forward, I feel a sense of peace and confidence that He will get me through whatever He has asked me
to do.

This portion of my journey through this battle with breast cancer is coming to an end. I know that this closeness
that I am feeling with our Almighty God may be forgotten. As I get healthier – will I continue to rely on Him for
strength? As I get happier – will I still hold onto the JOY He gave me in my suffering? As I get back into my busy
everyday life – will I still be able to center back into His arms and let His light of love surround my every minute?
Will I be quiet enough to still be able to hear my shepherd’s voice and follow Him?

Our LORD Jesus Christ, through His Holy Spirit is talking to each and everyone of us. ARE YOU LISTENING?

Diane
British Columbia